I checked my watch every 400m split even though I told myself to stop. I guess I couldn’t help it. The perfectionist in me told me I needed to make sure I was still hitting the goal time. Different waves of runners came on the track but I still stayed in lane 1- running the same 400m and 200m repeats.
I hit a wall half way through and asked myself, “WHY AM I HERE? I just want to be done! I am not enjoying this! I hate every peice of this track, every peice of this city, every peice of myself.”
As the sun set and people left while I was still left behind to finish the workout, I felt like my mind was spiraling out of control. I felt like I had nothing to give yet there was still so much left to run. The reality of everything hit me in the face at this moment and I was scared. I am in a new city where I know barely anyone. I miss my hometown terribly and I am so god awful terrified for this next cross country season that I am starting to fold in on myself.
Old insecurities that I thought disappeared quickly popped up once I moved here and I realize how comfortable I became in Duluth. I feel really insecure in my running capabilities. I have to remind myself that I’m here because I love it not because it matters how good I am on a competitive scale. I need to let that go: comparing myself to others and not being proud of my times.
I am really scared and this is a new state of mind to be in. Sometimes I want to bury myself into a hole and just reminisce about Duluth. However, I realize there are SO MANY opportunities here for me. I am thinking a lot about my mother and how much she believes in me. Even when I was running 7 minute miles, she was cheering the loudest. I want to make her proud and achieve things that she didn’t to because of her circumstances.
The strive for perfection drove me to develop an eating disorder and lead to an anxiety disorder. That strive lead me awake at night, trembling at thoughts of what could go wrong, what I did wrong, what I can do next. I don’t want to be perfect anymore - I just want to be happy. I want to succeed but I want to succeed because I’m passionate and proud about the things I’m doing. That means I’m satisfied about running a sub 5 minute mile or a 6 minute mile.
I think I can do that.